What to say when someone tells you they are thinking about suicide

Most people freeze here. The fear is that saying the wrong thing will make it worse, so they say nothing, or change the subject, or offer something bright and get off the phone. Silence is the worse option, and the bar for being helpful is considerably lower than people think.

Ask directly

“Are you thinking about killing yourself?”

The fear that asking plants the idea is one of the most durable myths in this area, and the research does not support it. A 2014 review in Psychological Medicine examining this question found no evidence that asking about suicidal thoughts increases them — and some evidence that it reduces distress.

Ask plainly. Not “you’re not thinking of doing anything silly, are you?” — that is a question shaped to get a no. Use the actual words. For someone who has been carrying this alone, hearing another person say it out loud without flinching is frequently the relief.

Then stop talking

The single most common mistake is filling the silence. Ask, and then wait. Let it be uncomfortable. The answer takes a while to arrive because they are deciding whether you can handle it.

What helps

• “I’m glad you told me.” They took a risk. Say so.
• “How long has it been like this?” Curiosity rather than alarm. You are trying to understand, not to assess them.
• “What’s the worst of it?” Lets them show you the actual problem rather than the summary.
• “Do you have a way in mind?” Hard to ask, and important. A specific plan and access to means raises risk considerably.
• “Can we make that harder to get to, just for now?” Giving the firearm to a friend, the pills to a partner, the keys to somebody. Suicidal crises frequently pass within hours; putting time and distance between a person and a method saves lives, and this is one of the best-evidenced things a non-professional can do.
• “I’m not going anywhere.” Then do not.

What does not help

• Arguing them out of it. Listing their reasons to live turns you into an opponent, and they will stop telling you things.
• Leading with your own feelings. “You can’t do that to me” adds guilt to a load already too heavy. Your fear is real; it is for later, with someone else.
• Promising to keep it secret. Do not. Say instead: “I won’t tell anyone who doesn’t need to know, but I’m not going to keep you safe on my own.”
• Silver linings. “Think how much you have to live for” is heard as “your pain is not legitimate”.
• Fixing it. You are not required to solve the situation. Being present with someone in it is the job.

Getting to help

Offer to make the call with them, not for them. “Can we ring 988 together? I’ll sit here.” Handing someone a number is a great deal less useful than dialling it beside them.

If they are in immediate danger, call 911 or get them to an emergency department. Be honest that this is what you are doing — do not trick someone into a car.

Veterans: 988 then press 1, or text 838255, staffed by people who have served.

Afterwards

Check back within a day or two, and again the week after. Something concrete — a coffee, a lift, a walk — lands better than “let me know if you need anything”, which places the burden of asking on the person least able to carry it.

The period after a crisis, particularly after a hospital discharge, carries elevated risk. Being the person who is still there in week three matters more than being impressive in hour one.

And look after yourself

Holding this for someone is genuinely heavy. Tell someone you trust, or your own therapist. You are allowed to need support for supporting them, and you are not a crisis service either.